UOG: Demise

3 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The unit has returned home, but we have no time to relax. The Tiger men are looking for another battle — and this time, the stakes are real. Scouts report their unit marches our way, guided in the night by the glow of Capt. Dalton’s fiery crown. Anxious.
— Andrew

5 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I have received your care package of spiced raccoon calves, sweetened sparrow wrists, and, of course, precious Squirrel Oil. I have included a new tintype showing some of the men for you to proudly display, but show the hogs first. We are battle ready.
— Andrew

7 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The Tiger men have reached the outskirts of town. We hear growls in the distance, see the faint glow of Capt. Dalton’s crown. There is no mistaking it now: battle draws near. The men are confident. I am ready. My resolve is as strong as my sidearm.

9 September 2018


Dearest mother —
Although the unit fought hard, we were bested by the Tiger men. Do not fret. All will be OK. It was glorious to see the men working as one. My sidearm was true. This marks the beginning of a long campaign that’ll have many chapters on the way to victory.
— Andrew

10 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The men move out today to begin our march toward Washington to battle the well-established indigenous unit. Word travels they have a particularly dangerous soldier who insists everyone know he was born in the year of our Lord, or simply AD. Intriguing.
— Andrew

12 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I have received your special care package on this, my twenty-ninth natal day. The sweetened gopher knees were a particular treat. The squirrel-fur socks fit perfect. I shall enjoy every moment of this day, for our march to Washington continues tomorrow.
— Andrew

14 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I have been informed a tremendous tale about myself will be shared on the Everyday Service Priority News, or ESPN, this Sunday around high noon. My pride and excitement abounds. Please inform the hogs so they may inform the chickens, and so forth.
— Andrew

16 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The men have reached the Land of Mary. A great battle will commence shortly with the Washington unit. My sidearm is polished and ready for action. What’s more, my neckbeard is poised for victory. My resolve and conviction flourish. I love you.
— Andrew

16 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I write with stupendous news. Our unit was victorious in battle. The feeling is thrilling. My sidearm was true and my soldiers brave. I shall celebrate with a bath and a bottle of Squirrel Oil. Our journey is bright. I miss you.
— Andrew

17 September 2018


Dearest mother —
There has been little time to relish our victory over the Washington unit as we must move out again. A convocation of Eagles in Philadelphia seeks battle. Scouts report their captain — who may or may not be British royalty — returns to field command.
— Andrew

19 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I have received your care package of blue jay jam and owl tonic. The unit continues its march to Philadelphia to face these Eagle men — the reigning victors of the great battle at Bowl Valley. The specter, Cpl. Hilton, appears most primed for success.
— Andrew

20 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The unit inches closer to the Philly land by the day. Gen. Reich — once a high-ranking officer for the Eagle men, aiding them at Bowl Valley — has been tracking their unique trail of feathers and cheese. I estimate we shall arrive by Sunday. Anxious.
— Andrew

21 September 2018


Dearest mother —
The unit has reached the outskirts of Philadelphia. The men marched double time, expecting to be met by Capt. Wentz’s Royal Guard. But, alas, there is only a large, cracked bell. While still on alert, I will take some time to polish my trusty sidearm.
— Andrew

23 September 2018


Dearest mother —
I write to you exacerbated. Although the unit fought hard on the rain-soaked Philly land, the Eagle men’s talons proved too sharpe. ‘twas a close conflict, but victory eluded us. Still, the campaign is young, and more opportunities are afoot. I love you.
— Andrew

24 September 2018


Dearest mother —
There is little time to dwell on our recent defeat. We shall move onward, and there is not a moment to spare as Texans are marching towards our home camp. Scouts report their Sgt. Major is so brawny, he is named after a unit of power. I must be vigilant.
— Andrew